Peacock joke..........hang on a minute!

club sec · Peacock joke..........hang on a minute!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy Some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next To him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
Different colors: green, red, Orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The Teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically Asked, "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild In your life?" Knowing my Dad, I
quickly swallowed my food So that I would not choke on his response;
Knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and f*cked a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

Gav Taylor

steaallan · impovement

i see aycliffe houses are starting to get better built nowadays

Gav Taylor

yes, the building in the pic is actually the town church Ste.

club sec

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Sick of the stress, he quits his job, and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He only sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months, or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name's, Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.”

“Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Cliff is leaving, he stops.

“Gotta warn you. Be some drinking”.

“Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'”

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

“More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.”

“Well, I get along well with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.”

“More'n likely be some wild sex, too,”

“That's not a problem”, says Tom warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I will definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?”

“Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”

club sec

Bloke goes to doctors and says '' I think Im going deaf''

Doc says ''Whats the symptoms''

Bloke says ''They're a little yellow family on sky one'' !

club sec

This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper in the UK ...

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth Remand Centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiance utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.

Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?

Gav Taylor

Classic!

club sec

steaallan · thought this was about right

thought this was about right
> > Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
> > Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
> Turkish
> > kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows
> on
> > a Japanese TV.
> >
> > And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
> >
> > Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an
> ambulance.
> >
> > Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
> the
> > back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
> buy
> > cigarettes at the front.
> >
> > Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and
> a
> > DIET coke.
> >
> > Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
> the
> > counters.
> >
> > Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
> drive
> > and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
> >
> > Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
> have
> > call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
> talk
> > to in the first place.
> >
> > Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a
> skating
> > rink.
> >
> > NOT TO MENTION..
> >
> > 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
> > 142 Brits were injured in 2005 by not removing all pins from new
> shirts.
> >
> > 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
> > screwdrivers.
> >
> > 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
> the
> > fairy lights were plugged in.
> >
> > 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
> > decorations were chocolate.
> >
> > British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
> > cracker-pulling accidents.
> >
> > 18 Brits had serious burns in 2006 trying on a new jumper with a lit
> > cigarette in their mouth.
> >
> > A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
> > trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth...
> >
> > 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
> > Scalextric cars.
> >
> > and finally...
> >
> > In 2006 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
> > incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

club sec

club sec

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.�We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

�

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."�

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.�

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.� She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"�She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is check below............

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Sunderland Barbie

club sec

Must be Aycliffe....

steaallan

i see martin has a new rally car might go faster than the pug

for the record it is a toyota i-swing

club sec

How rude (true though).

Gav Taylor

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Gav Taylor

peacock stop trawling the web for random pictures and seek some 2008 SWITW nominations

club sec

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Gav Taylor

club sec

Yes, due to there being a parmo shop on every corner Stockton is the Obese drive by capital of the world.

Gav Taylor

Ah yes the "parmo"

such a crap claim to fame!!

Its what girls order isnt it cos it isnt "that" spicey

club sec

Nectar of the gods is parmo.

club sec

club sec

Sensible advice*

*ask owners permission first.

club sec

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/huma...sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

Gav Taylor

distinctly average bobbing bobcat at 0.22 seconds average

steaallan · sheep

blooming eck eyes go funny after a while doing that also bobbing bobcat for me at average of 0.2006 secs

steaallan · ?

Slightly overloaded possibly ?

steaallan · ?

where do u reckon he parked? .......... Aycliffe?

Daves new car poss?

and all welcolme to enter this see down below

steaallan

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
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EXCELLENT - - - - - - - BEST SO FAR !

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Gav Taylor

old but gold

steaallan · call centre

i agree gav just sorry it took virtually a full page to post it on

Gav Taylor

no need apologise, a good read

steaallan · virtual bar maid

you might like this especially you gave
wait for woman to appear the tell her to do things then click order

http://www.beer.com/beer.com-Cont...-section_id-1126642896690_vb.html
if 1 aint enough

http://www.beer.com/beer.com-Cont...-section_id-1126642898596_vb.html

Gav Taylor

going through the archives now arent we Ste I got that when i was in uni man!

All my "commands" were met with a resounding finger wag, I must bring my sexual habits more mainstream

steaallan

2nd one is funny
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=NB9pltyX3tg

Gav Taylor

bet some of those were painful. the one where he just missed the lampost could have been nasty

steaallan

hint is in the title WOMEN

club sec

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish Archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English Archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Dors, a self taught Archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

steaallan

sometime's i think you come from over the water

club sec

Another case of discrimination.

steaallan

Michelle · hey everyone is this the joke page?

Fireman have rescued a man from a condom machine,
they asked what happened,
He said the sign says, " Insert £2 and put Knob in"

club sec

Peacock joke..........hang on a minute!

impovement

thought this was about right

sheep

?

?

call centre

virtual bar maid

hey everyone is this the joke page?