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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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 Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: Peacock joke..........hang on a minute! |
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy Some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next To him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
Different colors: green, red, Orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The Teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically Asked, "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild In your life?" Knowing my Dad, I
quickly swallowed my food So that I would not choke on his response;
Knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and f*cked a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Gav Taylor
Loved the World over.
Joined: 26 Apr 2007
Posts: 1751
Location: United Estates of Aycliffe
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
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steaallan
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 471
Location: redcar
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: impovement |
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i see aycliffe houses are starting to get better built nowadays 
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empire killer |
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Gav Taylor
Loved the World over.
Joined: 26 Apr 2007
Posts: 1751
Location: United Estates of Aycliffe
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:12 am Post subject: |
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yes, the building in the pic is actually the town church Ste. 
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:45 am Post subject: |
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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Sick of the stress, he quits his job, and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.
He only sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months, or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name's, Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.”
“Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Cliff is leaving, he stops.
“Gotta warn you. Be some drinking”.
“Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
“More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.”
“Well, I get along well with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.”
“More'n likely be some wild sex, too,”
“That's not a problem”, says Tom warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I will definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?”
“Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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Bloke goes to doctors and says '' I think Im going deaf''
Doc says ''Whats the symptoms''
Bloke says ''They're a little yellow family on sky one'' !
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"Super Furry Animal". |
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:16 am Post subject: |
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This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper in the UK ...
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth Remand Centre on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiance utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?
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Gav Taylor
Loved the World over.
Joined: 26 Apr 2007
Posts: 1751
Location: United Estates of Aycliffe
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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Classic! 
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 10:31 am Post subject: |
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"Super Furry Animal". |
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steaallan
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 471
Location: redcar
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:53 pm Post subject: thought this was about right |
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thought this was about right
> > Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
> > Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
> Turkish
> > kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows
> on
> > a Japanese TV.
> >
> > And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
> >
> > Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an
> ambulance.
> >
> > Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
> the
> > back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
> buy
> > cigarettes at the front.
> >
> > Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and
> a
> > DIET coke.
> >
> > Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
> the
> > counters.
> >
> > Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
> drive
> > and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
> >
> > Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
> have
> > call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
> talk
> > to in the first place.
> >
> > Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a
> skating
> > rink.
> >
> > NOT TO MENTION..
> >
> > 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
> > 142 Brits were injured in 2005 by not removing all pins from new
> shirts.
> >
> > 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
> > screwdrivers.
> >
> > 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
> the
> > fairy lights were plugged in.
> >
> > 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
> > decorations were chocolate.
> >
> > British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
> > cracker-pulling accidents.
> >
> > 18 Brits had serious burns in 2006 trying on a new jumper with a lit
> > cigarette in their mouth.
> >
> > A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
> > trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth...
> >
> > 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
> > Scalextric cars.
> >
> > and finally...
> >
> > In 2006 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
> > incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
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empire killer |
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: |
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"Super Furry Animal". |
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 7:41 am Post subject: |
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.�We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
�
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."�
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.�
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.� She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"�She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
If you're not sure what a 710 is check below............
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 9:37 am Post subject: |
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"Super Furry Animal". |
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 10:25 am Post subject: |
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"Super Furry Animal". |
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 7:07 am Post subject: |
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_________________
"Super Furry Animal". |
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject: |
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Sunderland Barbie
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"Super Furry Animal". |
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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Must be Aycliffe....
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"Super Furry Animal". |
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steaallan
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 471
Location: redcar
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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i see martin has a new rally car might go faster than the pug
for the record it is a toyota i-swing
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empire killer |
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club sec
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 1519
Location: Stockton on Tees
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| Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 8:52 am Post subject: |
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How rude (true though).
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"Super Furry Animal". |
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Gav Taylor
Loved the World over.
Joined: 26 Apr 2007
Posts: 1751
Location: United Estates of Aycliffe
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| Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:08 pm Post subject: |
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| club sec wrote: | Must be Aycliffe....
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Nowt wrong with a bit of incestuous fun now and again!! 
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